I have asked “Why God?” so often that it became my automatic response to every challenge I faced for years.
Why did my family disown me? Why was I sexually abused? Why did my mom tell me that I ruined her life? Why me? Why me?
The more I asked why the deeper down the rabbit hole I went. Farther and farther into the depths of my past to find the first cause. Who? What? and WHY?
It took me a long time to come to the realization that this kind of thought pattern was not working. In fact, it was killing me slowly, eating away at the happy gray matter in my brain. I had little hope of joy and I wanted to die.
So, I sought help. Help from therapists. Help from new-age thinkers. Books, CDs, music. I looked and looked for love.
Unfortunately, I also turned to alcohol. It worked for a while. It calmed my nerves. It made me feel good. It made me feel comfortable.
Fortunately, I also turned to creativity. I started painting mandalas. And little did I know, this would eventually lead me to AA. By the Grace of God, I was taking classes with many other women who were involved with AA. And once I needed to stop drinking for good, I was already in the right place.
I have been guided all along to find out that “Why?” isn’t the right question for me. “What can I do?” is what led me to work with many other people who were shining their lights, which in turn helped me shine mine.